Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Gratitude


Gratitude

Thank you.

Has anyone noticed

that my camera sucks?

Or maybe it's just me.

OMG! It's been three days!

So here's a post.
Michael Vick sucks. Jebus said so.
Senator Craig doesn't. He said so

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Hey Rachel

How 'bout them Texans?
I shouldn't gloat. The Texans beat the Cowboys in their first game ever. That's pretty much been the high point for these last five years.

Check the side-bar

If you haven't joined the YouTube Smackdown yet, they're on a mission from God.

Pork Sammich






Unfortunately, Piglet suffer a mild schizophrenic episode during this shoot. Intravenous haycorns were necessary.

A note on my Blogroll

You may have noticed a pattern, or not.
It wasn't intentional in the beginning; I just added the blogs I read daily as they occured to me. When I realized how it was shaping up, I decided to just go with it.
So I'd add AD or Marko or Jeff but they don't fit the theme right now.

And the theme pleases me.

CSM Quickie, Paper Money.

CSM: “I’m sorry sir, but the bank says this $355 check won’t clear at this time.”
CAR: “OK, I’ll just pay cash for the baseball cap.”

Legend on the cap: “I can’t be broke. I’ve got lots of checks.”

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Because I have a blog

and this has bugged the shit out of me for two years.
Based on the 'E. Annie Proulx' story about a forbidden and secretive relationship between two cowboys and their lives over the years.
I haven't seen the movie. It didn't exactly call to me, if you know what I mean.
I know I'm just an ignorant Texican and shouldn't be allowed to have opinions on such things...
But.

Shouldn't cowboys be herding....

Oh crap!

What's the word? What's the word?

It's right on the tip of my tongue...

Uhmmm....

COWS!?!





"It's the summer of 1963. Two young men first meet when they find work sheep-herding on Brokeback Mountain..."

They were not cowboys they were fucking shepherds!

I understand that to folks who have never seen either animal upclose and personal this may seem to be a distinction without a difference.



Allow me to explain.




COW

Sheep

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

CSM Quickie, FDR meets Abe

CSM: “I’m sorry ma’am, it seems this roll of dimes you gave the cashier is filled with pennies with a dime on each end.”
CAR: “I got it from the bank.”
CSM: “You bought a roll of dimes to go shopping?”
CAR: “Umm, yeah?”
CSM: “OK. Twenty-eight pennies and two dimes, that’s forty-eight cents. Your balance is $4.18.”
CAR: “I don’t have any more money.”
CSM: Voids sale. “I guess you need to go back to the bank.”
CAR: “Yeah.”

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Bugs I have known

Inspired by Stingray’s f-bomb inducing encounter with a venomous arthropod, I thought I’d introduce a couple of the six legged residents of South Texas.

First up is the Cow Ant or Velvet Ant. It’s really a flightless wasp rather than a true ant but your first reaction on seeing one is, “Holy Shit! Look at that ant!”


Imagine an ant 1 to 1½ inches long wearing a fuzzy red and black striped sweater. Now imagine stepping on said critter and seeing it shrug it off like it had been hit with a raindrop. I’ve watched them climb up the side of a building, reach about 30 feet, apparently decide that wasn’t where they wanted to be, fall to concrete below, bounce about a foot in the air, and then amble on.


They’re not particularly dangerous; though I’m told the sting hurts like hell. They don’t move very fast and they’re not stealthy; they don’t have to be.


Several years ago my office was located by the loading dock which was bordered by a strip of woods. (Woods, in Houston, are defined as any vacant plot of land that hasn’t be bulldozed in the past two years.) One of these little buggers wandered in. I executed the old cup and paper capture technique and discovered something really amazing. They talk!


They make a squeaky, jibbery sound exactly like the insects from a bad sci-fi movie.
No brandy was involved. I swear.







Before I move on to the next bug, let me state, without reservation, that I favor copulation. I’m all for it. If I ever run for president there will be a pro-copulation plank in my platform. That copulation is not even mentioned as a favorite pastime, I consider a national disgrace. Want to join the “Mile High Club”? (Personally, I like to keep all my joints operating to original equipment standards. But that’s just me.) I say, “Go for it!”



Having established my copulation bona fides, allow me to insert a tiny exception. I'd rather mass copulation not occur on my front lawn, or on my windshield, or three inches in front of my nose. Ladies and gentlemen, the Love Bug.



These little creatures spend all of their brief adult lives locked in love’s embrace. Most of this special time they spend airborne. Momma love-bug is larger and stronger so she tows daddy love-bug through the air. In fact, after daddy has performed his duty, he may die leaving momma to haul his carcass around until she finds a suitable place to lay her eggs. They swarm in early spring and late fall. Some years it’s impossible to walk across the yard without committing mass orgycide.



Naturally such lascivious behavior, occurring with such abandon, attracts the attention of small children.
Curious three year old: “Momma, what are those bugs doing?”
Distracted Mother: “Oh, they’re just kissing.
Indignant three year old: “But their butts are stuck together!”

This, of course, has evolved into a twisted family tradition of giving a “butt kiss”


Sunday, August 19, 2007

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Friday, August 17, 2007

CSM Quickie, Pull my finger.

CAR: “I'll give you $10 for this lamp. The switch is messed up."
CSM: “I’m sorry ma’am, I can’t give you a discount but I’m sure we can find you a lamp that works.”
CAR: “Would you pay $20 for this lamp?”
CSM: “No ma’am. I’d buy a lamp that wasn’t broken.”

Thursday, August 16, 2007

CSM Quickie, No Shit*

CSM: “I’m sorry sir, Black & Decker stopped making this drill in 1985. Since this store didn’t open until 1990, you’ll have to take it back to the store you bought it from.”
CAR: “But I didn’t buy it from a Walmart. I thought you people stood behind your products!”
CSM: ! speechless

*I didn't know when the drill was made but the lifer in the hardware department did.

The chicken is invested but the pig is committed



Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

CSM Quickie, On the other hand

CSM: “So the customer’s total was how much?”
Future Ex-Cashier: “Five dollars and fifteen cents.”
CSM: “And he gave you how much?”
FXC: “Ten dollars”
CSM: “And you did what?”
FXC: Presses 1 and the double zero key twice
CSM: “So you gave the customer ninety-four dollars and eighty-five cents?”
FXC: “That’s what the register told me to do!”

CSM Quickie, XXXL

CAR: “But why is it two dollars more for the triple extra large?”
CSM: “Uhmmm… because they’re three times as big?”

My Nike All-Courts, circa 1985 1983*






*Upon further reflection: I was over my hacky-sack thang by '85.

Monday, August 13, 2007

CSM Quickie, Dim Bulb

CAR: "I want I refund for these light bulbs. They don't work."

CSM: "Sir, this receipt says you bought a four pack of GE 100 watt bulbs. This box is for a Sylvania 40 watt."

CAR: "They don't work."

CSM: "We don't sell Sylvania."

CAR: "They don't work."

CSM: "There are only two bulbs in here."

CAR: "They don't work."

CSM: "A 60 watt and a 75."

CAR: "They don't work"

CSM: "There's dead bugs stuck to them."

Birthday present from my son

The boy shows promise.

CSM Quickie, Mah Feet Hert

The first installment of what may become a regular feature (or a means of intimidation). The joys of being a Walmart Customer Service Manager.

Very Large, mouth-breathing Customer is Always Right(CAR): "I wont my money back on them shews. They hert mah feet."

CSM: "I can imagine the do, ma'am. You've worn a hole completely through the sole."

Tam noticed me!

Excessive! Exclamation! Alert!
Tam, who not once, but twice, gets tagged by the blogfather (in one day!) has noticed me!
Eat your heart out mere mortals.
!!!!
Excessive! Exclamation! Alert! over.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

*An apologia for the smiley face. Edited

Hot on the heels of a defense of restaurant standardization by LabRat and Stingray comes this dissing of Walmart by Tam.
I understand, she’s criticizing the indigenous fauna rather than the place itself but the fact remains that dumping on Walmart has become a fashionable pastime. Let me state here, once and for all and without any shame, that I LOVE WALMART!
Consider this shopping list from last weekend.

Guinea pig chow
Timothy Hay (also for guinea pigs)
Laundry soap
Shampoo
Dryer exhaust hose
Olive oil (EVOO)

Yes, it’s an eclectic list but that’s what I NEEDED and I'd rather not spend my entire Saturday acquiring said items.

Now, a local grocery store had laundry soap on sale but they’d rip me a new one on the guinea pig food and shampoo and they don’t stock timothy hay. In addition, my wife has an affinity for a certain brand of laundry soap that ain’t easy to find. I could go to the neighborhood Ace hardware for the dryer hose and be SOL on the rest of the list but that’s where I bought the POS, made-in-china hose I was replacing.

So I went to Walmart. I purchased all the items on my list at a good price and I picked up a 100 pack of freeze-pops for the kids, (ON SALE!) none of which were made in China. For the record: My local TarJay doesn’t stock anything more exotic than doggy toothpaste. In other words, if you don’t own a dog or cat, like a normal person, don’t bother.

Full Disclosure: I used to work at Walmart. I was a Customer Service Manager. “CSM to sporting goods.” Yeah, that was me. Guess what, as a single man, I earned more than a living wage. And guess what what, they provided me with affordable health insurance. And guess what what what, thanks to magic of COBRA I took that insurance coverage with me when I left and joined a company that didn’t provide insurance. It paid for the birth of my first child.

An extraordinary selection of merchandise at an affordable price in a blog-post inspiring environment. What’s not to love?

PS. Thanks to the overheating caused by the aforementioned dryer hose, I had to go to Ace for a new dryer power cord and 220v outlet. Both were made in China.

*Title shamelessly ripped-off.

Because the first picture sucked

I Heart Rachel Ray

mi new choo toyz k thx


The cat won't use it anymore

Litterbox

There isn't a chapter on radical Islam

My Favorite Book

Variations on a theme



Obligatory Disclaimer: No actual Piglets were exposed to harmful influences during the shooting of these photos.




Saturday, August 11, 2007

Birthday Card from my sister.

Why couldn't Ben have been the one to start a religion?

One of my bookcases

This one's in the living room. With all of these irresistible horizontal surfaces, it's a clutter magnet.

Friday, August 10, 2007

I don't own Dianetics


In order of Appearance

Thursday, August 9, 2007

AH, Hah!

On this day May 25th

1895 Oscar Wilde sentenced to 2 years hard labor for being a sodomite

No ?

1935 Jesse Owens equals or breaks 6 world records in one hour

Or maybe.

1953 1st atomic cannon electronically fired, Frenchman Flat NV

Better yet.

1961 JFK sets goal of putting a man on Moon before the end of decade

But probably this one.

1787 Constitutional convention opens at Philadelphia, George Washington presiding

Edit: ths post is in response to a comment by the queen of obscure references. I heart LabRat.

If you have to ask,


You wouldn't understand.

Don't Mess

Did Mrs. Muhammed ever send you shopping?

If they have wings, why can't they fly?

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

I'm not obsessed. I swear!

The other day, someone threw out an old toilet. I guess it violated weight limits or something, because the trash man didn't pick it up.

So there it was just sitting by the curb...

...and I almost pulled over and threw it in the back of the van.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Monday, August 6, 2007

Hey shitheads!


I'd burn my copy of this book.
But then, what could I do for an encore?

And we send your assbackwards country how much money every year?
Aren't you supposed to be an "oppressed" country? Why didn't the brown shirts shoot you down? I guess GWB is falling down on the job.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Jasmine from Agrabah asks,

What ever happened to belly dancing?

Kickin' back with Allah

TGIF

Friday, August 3, 2007